My son is 38 years old and lives with his girlfriend in a mother-in-law cottage behind our house. He sits around and smokes pot all day for the last 20 years and doesn't work. She works to pay the bills, but the rent is free from my husband and me. What do I do?
Dorothy, Castro Valley
Dear Dorothy,
Your son seems very charming in that he can get his girlfriend to pay the bills and his mom to pay the rent! Any answer to your question depends on gathering a little information first. Does your son provide some sort of service, physical or mental, for you and your husband? For instance, does he take care of the property for you? Does he take you and your husband to appointments or act as a companion for either of you? Are you and your husband in agreement that something needs to change? Do you want him to stop smoking pot, to move, or both?
Any action by you and your husband toward your son's drug use or living situation will be ineffective if the two of you are not in agreement. If your son provides some sort of valuable service to either of you, that person may not want to "rock the boat" and accepts the situation just as it is.
Adult children living at home can pose some interesting legal difficulties. On the one hand, he is no longer a legal minor and you are no longer legally responsible to provide a home for him. On the other hand, if he has been living there for very long and it is considered his legal residence, you may have to evict him. Please consult an attorney.
It used to be common wisdom that you couldn't help an alcoholic or addict until they "hit bottom". Formal and informal interventions have proven effective in "raising the bottom" to motivate change. This is where the family confronts the alcoholic/addict with accounts of problematic behavior. The family shares their heart felt concerns about the alcoholic/addict's future, should these behaviors continue. They plead, request and or demand the alcoholic/addict seek help to change. The family has some form of leverage (like evicting him from the mother -in-law cottage) that can be used to help motivate the alcoholic/addict to make some changes, even if he doesn't want to. If still unmotivated, the family must be able to enforce that leverage. Otherwise your demands are really just hollow threats. Often the family needs help with setting limits, following through, and understanding enabling before confronting an individual with addictive disease. Al-Anon, CODA, and/or therapy are good places to start. As the saying goes, "when the family gets healthy, the alcoholic/addict gets healthy." Good luck!
Dr. Bob
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